Characters Diaries
by ashford2ashford
Summary: UPDATED! ALBERT WESKER'S DIARY!Read the diary of one who is vain!
1. Alfred's Diary

Alfred's Diary – She Doesn't Think I Saw Her!  
  
1 Day One  
  
Feel like something a Bandersnatch ate and shit off a cliff.  
  
Am going to be v. pissed off if new rifle does not come within week.  
  
Need an aspirin or some crack.  
  
Want to just curl up and die, but cannot since Alexia is acting v. suspicious and want to find out why.  
  
Also hit my head on one of the posts of bed. Got v. pissed and smashed it up into v. v. tiny pieces.  
  
NOTE: Need new bed or else doomed to few nights on couch in bottom of mansion.  
  
  
  
2 Day Two  
  
Been three days since date arranged for rifle to be delivered.  
  
Am going to kill someone.  
  
Spent all night on couch last night. Clone suggested that I sleep with him as his bed is V. comfy, and he has a room away from Alexia's snoring.  
  
Am seriously considering taking him up on v. generous offer…  
  
On more good note, killed another guard today because I felt like it. Feel much better.  
  
  
  
3 Day Three  
  
Decided to try and sleep with troublesome clone. Didn't get very far as clone made pass. Ran v. fast…out of breath.  
  
Moments later, heard clone wailing like banshee after me, calling me back to him. Tried once more to get sleep and succeeded, only to wake up covered in whipped cream ad wearing tight leather bondage outfit. Nearly died of heart attack.  
  
Am seriously considering killing clone for his perverted act of homosexual nature…yet feeling all tingly and giggly from just thinking about him.  
  
NOTE: See Dr Stoker for psychiatric treatment.  
  
Still don't know why Alexia is acting strange. Am getting very worried…need plan to spy on her…  
  
  
  
4 Day Four  
  
Am v. pissed off.  
  
Not only had rifle not arrived, but clone kept shaking a can of whipped cream at me when sat at dinner table having dessert.  
  
Felt eyes turning on me and felt face going v. red.  
  
Had to grab my crotch hard to prevent myself from getting up and stabbing him to death with dessert spoon. Want rifle more than ever now…  
  
Still spying on Alexia and getting no where.  
  
  
  
5 Day Five  
  
No rifle, no info on Alexia, no preventing clone from making sexual gestures…  
  
Want to die…  
  
Want to beat myself senseless with plate, but cannot, as plates are Alexia's best china. Must settle with large hardback version of 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire' instead…  
  
Didn't work, so began to try and claw my eyeballs out instead. Hurt so stopped…  
  
Still sleeping on shitty couch. Had to beat the shit out of it with baseball bat to get comfy. Still wasn't comfy so settled with rug instead. Now have back ache and head ache. Tried to get Bandersnatch to step on head. Didn't work as Alexia has programmed them to never hurt us, so ended up being hugged instead.  
  
  
  
6 Day Six  
  
Rifle finally arrived, so all is not lost as of yet!  
  
Have stopped trying to kill one's self, but now hugging rifle and cleaning it at least 20 times per hour.  
  
Didn't mind sleeping on floor as much. Someone has fluffed up the new rug so was much more comfy. Headache has gone, and backache seems to have cleared. Feeling v. happy!  
  
Clone was too busy to make pass, so was happier.  
  
Found out that Alexia has a new vibrator so she's been feeling a lot better hence her good moods.  
  
Don't want this day to end.  
  
  
  
7 Day Seven  
  
Am now hiding in shame in sauna with towel over my head.  
  
Woke up chained to four post bed with bondage kit on, and clone bet over me spreading chocolate spread all over me. Tried to scream but was gagged so had to endure humiliation of clone licking everything off slowly.  
  
Was finally released after I orgasmed.  
  
Ran out of there so fast that own legs could not keep up.  
  
Soon discovered that I was having fantasies about clone doing that again, so decided to lie low for a while.  
  
Have locked rifle in guarded cabinet and have locked shower room door so that I have sauna, swimming pool, and showers to myself.  
  
Want this week to end now! 


	2. Carlos' Diary

Carlos' Diary – One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!  
  
1 Day One  
  
Was invited to all night drinking party by Chris today. Told me to be ready for 6 tomorrow night.  
  
Can't wait.  
  
Want to impress Jill with sexy dancing and smooth talking in attempt to avert her attention from Chris.  
  
WILL succeed and WILL have Jill in my bed tomorrow!  
  
  
  
2 Day Two  
  
Tee hee!  
  
Want anuvva shot of tequila…feewing vewy tired…  
  
Want to just flop on floor and…zzzzzzzzzzzzzz  
  
  
  
3 Day Three  
  
Don't want to write…  
  
Feel shitty and humiliated…  
  
Was told by Chris that I passed out on dance floor and drank all the bar man's goldfish.  
  
Want to get very heavy gun to shoot myself with, but can't stand noise of gunfire due to massive hangover.  
  
Bye…  
  
  
  
4 Day Four  
  
Feeling even more humiliated and pissed off…  
  
Just how much alcohol did I drink anyway?  
  
Still suffering from affects of hangover, but now in depression due to Jill ringing me up and laughing at me for what I did when I got drunk…  
  
Tried to kill myself by drowning in the sink just like in movie I saw once, only nearly choked so didn't…  
  
Someone please do something to end my miserable life!  
  
  
  
5 Day Five  
  
Kill me…please kill me…  
  
Totally humiliated…still suffering…and now forced to accept the fact that everytime I go to an anti-Umbrella meeting, I can hear everyone laughing at me…  
  
Am going to either kill myself or kill someone…  
  
  
  
6 Day Six  
  
Am not going to write…am going to stay underneath covers and die…  
  
  
  
7 Day Seven  
  
YESSSSS!!!! YES YESSS YESSSSSSSS!  
  
Jill asked me to go to a restaurant with her on the condition that I don't drink any alcoholic beverage!  
  
Suddenly feeling like spring lamb skipping around gaily in a field…  
  
Okay, maybe not skipping around GAILY…but skipping around nevertheless…  
  
…  
  
…  
  
…  
  
Okay…maybe not skipping either…jumping for joy more like… 


	3. Nemesis' Diary?

NEMESIS' DIARY!  
  
DAY ONE  
  
Feeling v. pissed off.no, wait.EXTREMELY pissed off, as not only was Birkin cheating in the poker game last night, but also some bastard who really wants to die has decided to steal my rocket launcher! Will make them suffer for this.maybe go on a rampage or something.  
  
DAY TWO  
  
Rocket launcher has not been returned, so am going to go on rampage for the sheer hell of it. Maybe I should start at the police station.do the old routine: Burst in through windows Scream the unholy phrase of 'STARS' for good measure Start breaking necks left, right, and centre Maybe even kill a few of my own zombie friends for the sheer fun of it Do the old 'invincible' routine by pressing forwards towards the victims as I am being peppered by shotgun bullets, handgun bullets, machine gun bullets, etc. Rest  
  
DAY THREE  
  
Shh! I'm resting.  
  
DAY FOUR  
  
One rampage later, one rest, and one night of waiting, and that bloody launcher has not been returned. Will start cracking more skulls v. soon if my demands are not met! Gloated over article in paper which read 'POLICE STATION RAID, ALL DEAD' and remembered the sweet glory of killing them all. However, will keep that particular article away from Birkin, as don't want big lecture on how we must at least ACT like we're all dead so the STARS team don't come and hunt us down. Stupid Birkin. Wish I could kill him.but he's more useful alive.he heh.good bait.  
  
DAY FIVE  
  
Put out add in local paper which reads: 'ROCKET LAUNCHER MISSING, BELONGS TO HORRIFIC MUTATION OF HEIGHT 8FT. IF ANYONE FINDS IT WILL THEY PLEASE POST IT TO THE UMBRELLA LABS ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF EX-RACCOON, AS OWNER IS MISSING IT DEEPLY. REWARD FOR FINDING IT.' Good eh? Wonder if it will work.  
  
DAY SIX  
  
No sign of launcher.am very depressed. Article DID appear in newspaper, but it is unknown that if the person who stole it actually reads the paper. The tyrant tried to comfort me, but watching him pull apart some helpless human - although funny - just didn't work for me. I thanked him for his kindness and then proceeded to smash my head through the wall, but stopped when a few of my teeth fell out.damn mouth muscle! Why didn't my creators give me lips? Or even mouth tissue? Then maybe I could slam my head through the wall without having to suffer humiliation! Will ask Birkin about new mouth tissue.  
  
DAY SEVEN  
  
YESSSS! THE THEIF RETURNED MY ROCKET LAUNCHER!!! HE SAW THE AD IN THE PAPER AND DECIDED TO GIVE IT ME BACK FOR THE REWARD! So I cracked his skull and threw him in an isolation chamber ready for mutation. HA! Serves the fucker right! Am going on rampage now, because I'm so happy! BYE! 


	4. Lisa's Diary

Lisa Trevor's Diary - Naughty me.  
  
Day One  
  
Still sat here alone and in dark.  
  
People come here before, but run away when they see Lisa.  
  
Why?  
  
Lisa only wanna say hello.why they run from Lisa? Has Lisa changed so much? Tried to show woman my handcuffs, but when she fell down, Lisa knew she was sleeping. Put her in front of fire until wake up. When woman wake up, she fire gun at Lisa and make Lisa cry.  
  
Will go sleep and wait until people come.  
  
  
  
Day Two  
  
Wake up to find that house is not there.  
  
Where has it gone in the night? Did it run away?  
  
Found mommy.but mommy not move, so Lisa knew she was still sleeping.  
  
Found daddy, but he no move ether.is Lisa all alone?  
  
Strange man come up to Lisa and bite her hard on arm.hurt Lisa, so Lisa kill him.him bad man!  
  
Him no longer need pretty face, so Lisa got it off him to show to mommy when she wake up.  
  
  
  
Day Three  
  
No house, no mommy, no daddy, no love for Lisa.  
  
Lisa will move away from home and will start by looking in city area - which is no longer there.  
  
People in labs no talk to Lisa.they just try to bite her when they see her.why is everybody picking on Lisa?  
  
Had Lisa been naughty for mommy and daddy?  
  
Lisa feel bad, so she keep mommy and daddy's face with her at all times so she no get lonely. Will sleep now, then eat and then will go to town to see people.  
  
  
  
Day Four  
  
No body in town but strange biting people. Biting people smell bad. Their face are not pretty. They monster people.  
  
Lisa look in river today and see another person staring at me. This person ugly with big teeth and nasty eyes. This person have many faces.  
  
It is Lisa.Lisa has become different.this why people run away from Lisa.Lisa look like biting people.Lisa sad.  
  
  
  
Day Five  
  
Strange monster man with big eye on arm come to see Lisa today. He speak to Lisa, tell me that he know who me am and what is wrong with Lisa.  
  
Him say that same thing happen to him, that he lives with people like me.  
  
Lisa like man. Lisa will go with man to new home. Lisa will be good girl for man.  
  
  
  
Day Six  
  
Man with eye - William.he want me to call him William - take Lisa to new friends. Nemmy - big man with coat and tentacles - Nossy - Man like Lisa with big big big tentacles - Lexa - woman who change body into monster woman - and Tyrant - big man with knives on hand.  
  
Lisa like Nossy, she even share faces with him.  
  
Nossy is proud man with big tentacles like Lisa's! Nossy say that Lisa is scary. What a kind man!  
  
Lisa will get present for Nossy.something special like mommy's face or something.  
  
  
  
Day Seven  
  
Lisa slept in big bed today!  
  
Lisa happy now.so happy that Lisa took faces off and showed everyone my face.  
  
Everyone happy with Lisa. They clap for me and hug me.even Nossy!  
  
Lisa like new family.Lisa happy now. 


	5. Alexia Ashford's Diary

A word from Ashford2ashford: Heya people! Did you all miss me? crickets Oh....umm....looks around all nervous-like I see.......umm well, I'm updating now...for the first time in ages...so...aheh......runs  
  
NOTE: It is not advisable to do any of the torturous things Alexia does to Alfred in real life! Remember, Alexia is a woman who has had years of practice in doing this. She is a trained professional...you are not.  
  
And Ash is property of Shady777 so there!  
  
Alexia Ashford's Diary!  
  
Brother in Arms....  
  
Day One – Monday – The War Begins  
  
Dear Diary, I'm feeling very well today despite my brother and his very peculiar habits. I have caught the little sneak wandering around the bathroom wearing my bra and panties and mouthing to "Moulin Rouge" CD's......  
  
On another note, it has also occurred to me that I have no control over my temper. I think Alfred's still in surgery trying to get that hairbrush out of his rectal passage...  
  
Oh well...boys will be boys...  
  
Day Two – Tuesday – Panty Tank  
  
Dear Diary, have you ever had the urge to viciously murder someone? I have...and because of this, my brother is now in surgery again, trying to get a towel from down his throat.  
  
If the little creep hadn't decided to use my panties as live ammunition for the tank, he wouldn't be in this situation. Sometimes I would assume he has more tubs of hair gel than he does brain cells.  
  
Day Three – Wednesday – Sickening Sights  
  
Dear Diary, I have had to order a whole crate load of valuable makeup to be delivered to Rockfort as I have lost most of it whilst inserting it into every orifice I could find in Alfred's body. I'm sure his cross-dressing code is to annoy me. Serves him right for trying to wear the makeup...red doesn't suit him anyway...  
  
Day Four – Thursday – Pocketful of Miracles?  
  
Dear Diary, where can you shop to buy new brothers? Not only is he a cross- dresser, but he seems to be a thieving little git as well! I've just caught him trying to steal my entire CRATE of makeup. Most of it was shoved in his pockets and trousers to lighten the load, and the rest was in the crate.  
  
Needless to say, it'll be a while before he dislodges that crate lid from his mouth.  
  
Day Five – Friday – Silence Is Golden  
  
Dear Diary, I wasn't bothered at all by Alfred today as he is currently lying downstairs with his mouth bandaged up. Clone thinks it's rather amusing, and the children seem to enjoy poking it...especially Ash...  
  
For once I can say...silence truly is golden...  
  
Day Six – Saturday – The Joker?  
  
Dear Diary, Alfred had his bandages removed today, and I might add that he will no longer need to wear makeup to make his lips red. Of course, he is now the subject of mindless teasing and jokes from clone and Ash, but that's life, isn't it? And it's just tough!  
  
This'll teach him for messing with my makeup!  
  
Day Seven – Sunday – Hospitalised  
  
Dear Diary, Alfred will not be spending the next day, week, or month with us as he's now in intensive care, with several problems. His condition was upgraded from 'dead' to 'critical' this morning, so all is well.  
  
Clone and Ash stay by his bedside, but only to tease him when he comes out of his coma. Well...they were my hot pants and Alfred had no rights to wear them...  
  
Life goes on! 


	6. Steve Burnside's Diary

**_Steve Burnside's diary_**

Yay! I didn't stay dead!

**Day One – Monday – Oh My God! I'm not dead!**

Hey! Guess what diary?  
I'm not dead!  
It's true!  
A cool guy in some sunglasses dragged my corpse to safety and took me to a lab and now I'm alive!  
I think he just wants me for the virus but……DUDE! I'm not dead!  
Actually….he might take over the world with the Veronica virus as well….  
BUT HEY! HELLO? I'M NOT DEAD!  
So freakin' sweet!

**Day Two – Tuesday – Still not dead!**

Duuude! It's been two days! AND I'M NOT DEAD!  
A few times, the dude in sunglasses came to free me, but I'm soooooooo stoaked! I'M NOT DEAD!  
He told me to get out of the lab, and I told him I wasn't dead.  
He told me that he knew and for me to go play with the sharks…but Noooooooooooo way dude! I'm not that stupid!  
Everyone knows that sharks eat people!  
What's he playing at? Is he trying to kill me?

**Day Three – Wednesday – Piranha Pool**

Okay…by now, I've realised that I'm not dead….  
So I think I'll go and look around this base for a bit….  
That fish tank looks weird…  
Ooh……big fishies!  
DUDE!  
SWEET!  
I wanna pet them…  
Ow…okay…that hurt a little….what kind of fish are these?  
Oh…  
Piranhas…  
That's why…  
I'd better watch out…I might end up dead if I'm not careful…

**Day Four – Thursday – Car Chase**

DUDE! Tanks are Sweeeeet!  
I drove a tank into a wall today, and the dude in sunglasses started yelling at me.  
What for?  
It was fun!  
He's just pulled out a gun…  
what's that for 

**Day Five – Friday – Johnny the Homicidal Maniac**

Dear Diary…I seem to be dead…  
**Day Six – Saturday – Dead?**

Oh dude….that was not sweet…  
Wait….hang on….  
WHOO HOO!  
I'm not dead!  
The guy in sunglasses is yelling at someone. Something about them not telling him that someone was a regenerator…  
Wonder what it means?  
It's a big word!  
Hee hee…  
I can touch my nose with my tongue…it's, like, six inches long…but that's besides the point…

**Day Seven – Sunday – NEVER DEAD!**

Dude!  
I got shot, like, eight times today…AND I'M NOT DEAD!  
The guy in sunglasses is crying now….wonder why….  
Oh well….

(AN: And that is why, my friends, Steve Burnside lives on….DAMN!)


	7. Chris Redfield's diary

**_Chris Redfield's Diary  
Where Am I?_**

**Day One – Monday – Where exactly am I?**

Okay…noticing something wrong here….  
From CODE: Veronica, to Resident Evil 4, it seems I've disappeared from the storyline completely…  
Where am i?  
This isn't funny anymore…

**Day Two – Tuesday – Nope…not here…**

Seriously now…where the freak am I?  
I've looked through all the games from resident Evil 1 to 4 and there's…not me! I'm not mentioned!  
Of course, the game isn't out yet, but the reviews don't mention me either!  
Did I die in my sleep or something?  
And where's Claire?  
What's going on…?

**Day Three – Wednesday – Capcom says no**

I asked Capcom to put me into the game and they laughed me out of the office.  
They said that I was off on my own adventures with Claire.  
I said that in Resident Evil 4, it looks like Umbrella isn't there, so what happened? Did Claire and I defeat them or what?  
They laughed…  
Oh how they laughed…  
Until I got my shotgun out…

**Day Four – Thursday – PLEASE!**

They threatened to fire me after the shotgun incident and now I have to write a letter of apology to the president of Capcom…  
That's not fair…  
I now have to state "Why pencils shouldn't be inserted into superior officer's noses" in a 5000 word essay…  
The things I do for work!

**Day Five – Friday – An Effort to get into the game**

I cross cut sections from previous games and put them into the new game…  
Maybe they won't notice…

Okay

They did notice….  
I admit…that bit with me fighting Wesker from CODE: Veronica didn't match the scene…  
Oops…

**Day Six – Saturday – Another Letter**

I've got to write another essay entitled "Why Chris Redfield sucks in Resident Evil 4 and why he should mind his own business and live with the fact that Capcom left his career at a standstill so he might as well let Fanfiction writers decide his fate for him."  
Long title huh? 

**Day Seven – Sunday – Efforts failed**

Ooh.  
I got a call today to go and do a shampoo commercial.  
What?  
Don't look at me like that!  
Work is work!  
I'd advice you all to try new HEAD AND SHOULDERS Anti-dandruff formula! It helped me to find work, and it keeps my hair fresh and clean even when battling zombies in a twisted hell on earth! (wink)


	8. Albert Wesker's Diary

_**Albert Wesker's Diary  
How Vain Art Thou?**_

**Entry One – Botched Mission**

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the most gorgeous sexiest, not to mention most bishie of all? Yes it's me. It has to be me. Otherwise someone needs to be assassinated! Yes they do, yes they do…  
Sorry.  
I had a mirror put onto the inside cover of my diary and now I can't help but admire my smooth good looks, my clean skin…my silky hair…

Crap.

Maybe shouldn't have written in this during a mission…  
Where's all my men?  
They must be dead.  
Oh crap.  
Maybe Rockfort's defences were better than we thought…  
Gotta go.

**Entry Two – Claire Redfield**

"Claire Redfield."  
"Oh my god! Wesker!"  
"Yes. It is me. The one who's stunning good looks are far superior to yours."  
"Well…I'm a woman so…"  
"You are in awe of my beauty are you not?"  
"Not really. Y'see there's this steve guy…"  
"Oh?"  
"Yeah…and it's getting kind of close…"  
"Who's Steve?"  
"Just a guy I met on this island."  
"Here? Now?"  
"Yeah…why?"  
"Kccch This is Wesker, I repeat this is Wesker, over."  
**"Kcck Hey there, Boss man, over."  
**"Kccch Yes hello. I need an air strike now, over."  
"WHAT?"  
**"Kccck What for, over."  
**"Kccch There appears to be one who is more beautiful than I…and I can't have that, over."  
"Wesker what are you -?"  
**"Ktcch Okay. But only because I love you, over."  
**"…that wouldn't normally disturb me, except the fact it's a male pilot."  
"WESKER! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!"  
"What I should have done long ago…"  
"Hey. Your eyes glowed!"  
"What?"  
"Yeah just now! Oh my god! You got red eye?"  
"WHAT? NO!"  
"God Wesker…I mean…wow.."  
"………SHUT UP!"

**Entry Three – Paranoia Seeps In**

Are the eyes too much? I mean, I'm getting really paranoid about this now.

But the eyes.  
Are they unfashionable?  
I think I need contacts.  
Maybe a nice blue like they used to be?

Mommy always said I was her pretty little Albert.  
Well…not that I'd ever admit it….much…  
But that was when I was a blue eyed blonde haired choir boy cherub.  
No particular emphasis on the choir boy part…ignore that.

I think that zombie's looking at me funny…  
DAMN YOU UNDEAD FREAK! WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?

oh.

I think I may be overreacting…

**Entry Four – Chris Redfield**

"Chris…"  
"Wesker? You're still alive!"  
"Ah ha ha ha."  
"What are you doing here?"  
"I came for Alexia."  
"Who?"  
"And I came for a comb. I appear to have dropped mine."  
"What? Who's Alexia?"  
"Because you see Chris, my hair is far superior to yours."  
"No it isn't!"  
"Yes it is. Note my smooth features and my pale skin, my hair is reflected gorgeously in my sunglasses."  
"Wait! Don't get off subject!"  
"Ahh Chris…if only you had hair like this. Maybe you'd get laid."  
"I'm getting some!"  
"Off whom?"  
"Well…I mean…it got close with me and Jill!"  
"Oh please, Chris, that's pathetic. Everyone knows that she's become destined to go out with Carlos."  
"What are you doing here?"  
"His hair is better than yours too!"  
"DAMN YOU!"  
"HA! I'm stronger than you! Don't you ever raise a gun at me again! Now I'm going to strangle you."  
"Choke Why?"  
"Because those with no beauty deserve to die!"  
"crack"  
"Oh bugger."  
"Your…choke…eyes…"  
"Yes. Well. The only thing that's isn't perfect about me."  
"choke giggle choke"  
"Oh up yours, Redfield! Go fight that bandersnatch!"

**Entry Five – denial is an ugly thing**

This is getting ridiculous. I didn't think these eyes would affect my appeal that much. I mean, even Chris laughed at me! And he looks like an anorexic elf in the Resident Evil 1 remake!  
At least in this game he has a chance of at least 'trying' to rival me in hair styles.

I should just calm down and count to –

STOP MOCKING ME HUNTER!

**Entry Six – Steve Burnside**

"Don't try to talk Steve. It's been a long day for you."  
"Whaa?"  
"Hush now small one."  
"Who are you?"  
"I am Albert Wesker."  
"What did you do to my face?"  
"…some things can't be saved…you were…ummm…in a huge explosion."  
"How will Claire love me now?"  
"How indeed? evil chuckle"  
"Dude! That eye colour is whacked!"  
"…"  
"…"  
"Die."   
BAM!

**Entry Seven – The conclusion?**

"Umm….yes…hello. Is this Specksavers? Yes. I'd like to apply for contact lenses please. Yes…coloured ones. Okay. What colours do you do? Ah. Blue will be fine."


End file.
